She loved me and I knew it. I loved her and I won’t deny. I pretended that she needed me more but the hidden truth was that I desired her more than I showed. I thought I had her in my palm but I lost her to another man who was not pretentious.

If you spare me a moment I’ll tell you a story. It is more private than you would imagine but if I don’t share it, who will? We learn more from stories that touch the heart. I decided to share this so I can lend my voice to what women suffer in abusive marriage, just to prove a point that does not exist.

Let’s face it, men also suffer abuse in marriage than is usually reported. By the nature of men, news are made only when things have reached a crescendo. Haven’t we heard of men who paid the supreme price just because they chose to love? Abuse in marriage has become such a big threat to life. If we choose to be silent, this monster will continue to fester.

Back to my story. My girl was the pet name I gave to her in our days as lovers. She was so tender and a beauty to behold. We met again at a party few years later. She came alone without her husband, I came alone like an executive bachelor. We were lovers before we went our different ways. She found love and I found mine. To God be the glory is always a song of triumph.

Old feelings are difficult to ignore, particularly when the feeling was mutual. We reminisced the good times we shared before we parted. We shared our thoughts on what we have gained, but not forgetting what we might have lost, by not walking the aisle together like we had thought, just to say I do in a dream aborted.

We touched on many topics with a bottle of champagne. We felt the excitement again like the days of old. The next question changed the atmosphere. She asked for my take on abusive marriage. I told her I am just a coach but not a pastor. By virtue of their divine mandate, pastors get to hear of different accounts on issues of marriage. Aren’t they better equipped to give a counsel?

My girl insisted she needs my view about the subject. She started by asking how has it been in my own marriage. I told her mine is not without its own challenges. I said to her in low tone if she cared to know, that perfect marriage does not exist anywhere on the planet, not even in the imagination of the marriage counselor. She wanted to hear more but I reserved my comments, because I knew she was itching to share her burden.

I asked, how has it been with the lucky man who took her away before I found my Angel. What happened next broke my spirit. She broke down in tears and became inconsolable. It was too risky for me to console her the way I should, if you know what I mean when exes are involved. Thank God we were alone but not alone, it was an open party where we created our own privacy.

She went on and on, I could feel the deep hurt in her heart. From emotional abuse to physical abuse my girl has suffered. I should have known because something was missing the way she looked. My girl that used to be radiant and full of life, was now a caricature of the girl I used to treasure. What really went wrong? I asked in silence.

My girl told me she found love but she lost it to pains. She no longer feels like a woman she used to be. She has come to hate herself the way she hates her husband. Her self esteem has been taken away like a tourist on a voyage. She thought she could find happiness in her well paying job, but whatever makes her happy is usually for a while. The moment she starts heading home her heart would skip, because home to her had turned to hell on earth.

Her marriage is blessed with two lovely children. She found joy seeing them grow but she feared they could grow up having a wrong impression, is this what marriage is all about? I asked her why and she said the children had been a witness, not only to verbal attack but physical abuse from the man she married, not once, not twice and not even on rare occasions. It was more of a regular abuse that sometimes turned violent.

I asked her what she has done about it and she said she has been coping, only that she has lost her life but she’s still alive. Whatever that means, I sought to know. She raised her head slowly and mumbled the answer. My girl told me she was just existing. I warned her my counsel may not be the type she likes to hear. Reason I said I’m just a coach and not a pastor.

For how long would she continue to cope? I queried like the boss. She told me she just had to keep hanging on because of stigma. For the sake of her children she has to endure, not minding the pain she has had to bear. What would the church say about her story? The society would mock her that she lacked the patience, not even now that feminism is trending.

I asked her who is the society but she was lost in thought. I told her the society is an imaginary being when the chips are down. Marriage is an institution ordained by God. It takes two for marriage to stand the test of time. Shouldn’t the church preserve life before the marriage? She said she contemplated divorce but she didn’t want to falter, because the church is clearly against divorce.

I told my girl divorce is even the last resort. Marriages don’t just crumble if signs of failure are not ignored. Both must have contributed to the failure that lurks. Mine was not to judge but the story might just be different, if we are to balance the story should the hubby give his own account. But now that physical abuse has found its way into a union that worked, taking a break may just be safe to avoid the stories that touch.

The first place to start is for both to preserve their lives. Any threat of violent physical abuse is a danger waiting to happen. Taking a break from danger may be the connecting dots, to give the man a breather to take a ponder, if truly there’s still a value in the woman he married. I bore my mind to my girl without bias, if only for the love we used to share.

It was time to go and so we parted, but with heavy hearts of exes who shared their burdens. I left my girl to take her time and not be in hurry. Decisions like this are best taken when there are no distractions. This was about a year ago but now the story is changing.

My girl resolved to have her life back and she took a step. Remember she said she lost her life but was still alive. She took a break from the toxic relationship with her children in company, just to see if there is more to life even without divorce. Gradually she began to see a reason to live again. Now she could think straight and wouldn’t be nervous at any little thing. The beauty that faded began to flourish.

My girl found love again but not with a suitor. Not even with me before you begin to judge. She found love with herself and she is so excited. She is back to life and full of vigour. I asked her, now that she has found love again what is she going to do with it? She laughed aloud and wondered why I’m playing the ostrich. Isn’t the question best answered by the coach himself?

I told my girl whatever she is able to do with this new love is left for her to decide. I admonished that she can manage to cope with any other thing in life, but when life is threatened she should always remember, we were not made in twos from the very beginning. Only a person who is alive can be a wife. A woman in the grave cannot be a mother.

I’ve seen couples reunite after a momentary break just to stay alive. Only a living couple can have a rethink and mend fences of a marriage that is stressed. To see if what looked like a dead end can be the beginning of a blissful reunion.

If all else fail and it appears the feeling is dead, staying alive is better than Rest In Peace. Most of all my girl found the love she lost to pains. Love for self is a precursor of love for spouse. This decision is left for the couple to take.

Easter is here and Christ is risen. Jesus gave His life so we can have our lives. I am particularly grateful to the Author of life, for giving me the grace to answer His call. Only a person who is alive can write a fiction, just like the one you just read here on this occasion.

My story, though a fiction, is my humble opinion. Love is not blind as it is made to sound. Fantasies may delude love for just a moment, but true love has never been blind to couples awake to their senses.

Hallelujah Christ arose. Happy Easter Folks.

©️Akin Oluwadare Jnr
18 April 2022